Epic Rap Battles of Hetalia
by BlueberryKittenLover
Summary: Ever watched any of the Epic Rap Battles of History videos? Well, here I've created a few for the Hetalia characters. Feel free to suggest who should compete!
1. England vs France

**ENGLAND **

Oh, brilliant, what is that I see?

An infuriating little frog come to bother me.

So you feel like ticking me off, do you?

Well, perhaps I'm in the mood to curse someone now, guess who?

The most perplexing to you during the Napoleonic Wars was I,

So you believe you can beat me at things like this, why?

I'm so much more than you'll ever be

The things I am and have been are more superior than thee

For heaven's sake, I was a pirate

You wouldn't do well if you even tried it

Hairy Frenchman, I'm a wizard

I can hunt you down and freeze you with a blizzard

I doubt you have as much spunk

As when I was a punk

I'm a gentleman as well, traditional and classy

Even so, I could make your eyes moist and glassy

Why, look at you! Such a girl, it causes me to hurl

Now my singing powers are really going to unfurl! 

**FRANCE**

You have a multiple personality disorder

And at least I'm not crossing over the insanity border

Now, why would I want to be a violent brute

Whose only goals are prosperity, fame and loot?

Meddling in dark magic is not for moi

I don't need it to make men and women alike go, 'Ooh, la la~"

So apparently you don't think I pass for a male?

Everyone knows I've got the biggest-oh, right, you're a prude, and if I say things like that you might smack me into a rail

Mon Dieu, your eyebrows!

They are the size of cows!

You're the Black Sheep of Europe

Always drinking from a dull teacup

I have more elegant taste

And I don't allow food to go to waste

It really disturbs me, how your scones

Are not natural tones

You're just as strange as the you in the 2p dimension

Now, are you done releasing your sexual tension? 

**ENGLAND**

You claim me to be a prude?

Hah, that coming from someone so crude!

Not only are you extremely flamboyant

You use overly powerful perfume instead of deodorant

Is it because without it you'd smell like the loo?

I'll bet that's it, Pepe le Peu.

You call yourself romantic, and beautiful, too

That's all a bunch of rubbish and hullabaloo

To survive, I do not require love

With my Splendid Isolation, I've advanced far above

Perhaps you see me as a bit of a rough lad

However, when it comes to nations, is that so bad?

You're not one to be talking

Considering you aren't successful when fighting or refraining

My Glorious Revolution was quite a feat

I highly doubt that yours was anywhere near as neat

I'm the United bloody Kingdom

Not a surrender-happy bum

A few final words and then we are done

So before I go, I want you to know

When it comes to rapping, I'm never ever slow

Git, I can sing better than you even after downing too much ale

As usual, prepare yourself to be forced to bail

When it comes to your voice, I've no desire to cast a hoax

Because all I hear from you anyway are nothing more than croaks. 

**FRANCE**

You certainly have a short temper

But I can easily handle it in all of my splendor

You converse with air

Then claim you're speaking with fairies-what, where?

Ohonhonhonhonhon~!

I do wonder what you're on.

When it comes to hair, you wind up in more messes

Than my own long tresses

My uniquely breathtaking sense of style

Can outdo yours by a mile

Et au contraire, Angleterre

Everyone needs l'amour

Are you simply too much of a bore?

That fancy term for loneliness you're addressing

Is just to make it sound less depressing

Wine is more fashionable than ale, and you believe you can sing?

More like wail. 

**WHO WON?! YOU DECIDE!**


	2. America vs Russia

**AMERICA**

Yo, how's it going, dude?

You appear to be in a sour mood.

Oh, that's right, you always are.

Probably because with me you'll never be up to par.

We've both had similar issues

But I handle them way better-need a box of tissues?

Take a glance at my smile, now yours, and compare.

I can so see through you with that obvious grump air.

You're livin' your life, I'm livin' it good

If you had the chance to fix that, I doubt you even would

You obviously wouldn't be able to tell

The difference between earth, heaven, and hell

Informing you of this, I know I shouldn't

When it comes to outranking me, you totally couldn't

I'm so chill

You give people chills

But you don't scare me, silly communist

Watch out, 'cuz here comes my fist! 

**RUSSIA**

Foolish little country, I know it's the spotlight you seek.

Nobody will give it to you, especially not with that fast food reek.

When it comes to pounding you into a pile of dust

I can do that with ease, and I don't feel rushed

Not only that, but I have my own little minions!

I can also get them to torture you without asking any opinions

That way, I don't even have to waste my time

Although I do prefer to be the one transforming you to grime

I don't need sympathy

My smiles are to help keep control of my emotions, see?

They serve a better purpose than yours

Otherwise unconscious bodies could be filling the floors

By means of scream, I am at the top

In Soviet Russia, I don't need a knife to chop, chop, chop!

I shot a man all the way back to Poland

So you better run away when my canons are a rollin~

Ever played Russian Roulette?

If you refuse to do that I could trap you in a net

Now, I'm sure that's too scary for you, da?

I've been through so much more, ha. 

**AMERICA**

Oh, brother, that coming from a guy who's cracked?

Sure you survived, but look at the times you've been attacked

Gimme a break

I can easily make you ache

Not only that

I can whack you with my baseball bat.

You don't think I've also been through a lot?

I wish someone had left you in Siberia to rot.

You're a pansy, or should I say sunflower?

Heck, look at me, I was the biggest world power!

We've had a race to space

And the Cold War too

Who won again? I don't think it was you.

I'll leave you as nothing but a pile of big bones

After all, I'm strong, and I'm Alfred F. Jones

The hero shall conquer all

The villain will be at my mercy with this last brawl

For the two of us, there's not room enough

And it is you we all will rebuff. 

**RUSSIA**

Oh, America, you naïve little boy.

I could use you as my experiment toy.

How long will you last

If I tie you to a broken mast?

I hope you don't mind splinters

Can you survive my harsh winters?

You don't have sisters like I do.

I bet Belarus could haunt you too.

Maybe I could request her to do just so.

Sneaking around in your house and pretending there are ghosts a flow

You amuse me to no end,

And our tense relationship is nothing I will bother to mend

By the way, with your statements, there are a few problems

Nobody considers you the hero but yourself and some hoodlums

Maybe you think I don't have a single friend

But I still have people I can get to where I want, they will attend

I just needs pawns

Your generations have lately been nothing but pesky spawns. 

**WHO WON?! YOU DECIDE!**


End file.
